A Green Assessment

Yesterday the Green Party, lead by Caroline Lucas, launched their drive for electoral success in the upcoming local elections. Those amongst their ranks must be pretty excited, this an unprecedented opportunity; the Liberal Democrats (greenest of the major parties) have seen their support decimated and Labour have shown themselves to be providing no alternative at all.

So are the Greens viable? Their leftist stance puts them in a perfect spot to take advantage of the unpopular cuts. As Lucas put it herself, “It’s crucial that there are Green councillors to protect people from the most harsh of those cuts.”

“Our whole analysis of the cuts project is that it’s the wrong approach. Yes, we need to address the deficit but a better way is to get people back into work to ensure there are more taxes coming in.
“Otherwise there is a greater risk of a double-dip recession. We can already see what extreme austerity is doing in countries like Portugal and Ireland.”

So on the issue of cuts the Green party appears to be singing from the same hymn sheet at the Labour party. Of course, in Labour’s case this is a mirage, they would have been cutting almost as much (16 billion to the government’s 17). The timing of the cuts isn’t simply about the distaste of being in debt, neither is it about the horrendous amount of interest paid every day, but it was about calming the bond market. Every country has a credit rating and this affects the rate at which a nation can borrow money. If they lose their AAA rating (as Greece did) this stops international investors lending money to that nation at a favourable and manageable rate. As of March Greece’s rating was B1, ‘highly speculative’.

It was the threat of losing this sacred AAA rating that forced the government’s hands in taking the axe to public spending, and thankfully it worked, the storm passed away from the UK and onto other countries too politically divided to implement an austerity measure.

Of course that storm could return. If growth is too slow then the deficit may not be paid off, bringing the eye of the bond market back upon our economy. George Osborne has managed to buy us a brief reprieve, but without growth that could soon end.

So is the Green stance correct? On the one hand Lucas is absolutely right to say that growth is what’s necessary at this point. If we don’t get it, then the deficit won’t be paid off and the UK finances will fall apart. However, without the cuts the bond market would lose faith in the British economy and condemn us anyway. We need both growth and cuts. This is the horrendous high-wire act the government must perform and it’s unfair to imply there is an alternative.

Yet not all politics is about the deficit, and other issues should not be forgotten. A quick visit to the Green’s website provides some key policies.

Banking System

“We will fight for a fair financial deal, with community banks, credit unions and mutuals.  This will ensure those who need financial help are given realistic loans, so they can survive the current economic hardship that we are facing today.”

A big problem small businesses face is the difficulty in securing loans. It is right that the Greens put emphasis on getting lending going. However, this is a rather vacuous statement. Every government would fight for a deal with the banks to get them lending to smaller businesses. Ultimately, you can’t force a bank to lend money. If they think it’s a good investment, they will, if they don’t, they won’t. Lending money recklessly is what got us into this problem in the first place.

“We also believe it’s unfair that these irresponsible bankers continue to earn extortionate salaries and bonuses, while 330,000 hard working people still earn less than the low minimum wage. Which is why we will fight to introduce a High Pay Commission to ensure bankers and other highly paid executives in the private and public sectors are not rewarded for their failure.”

True, the short term rewards for risky behaviour were obscene and the divide in earnings between the rich and poor is growing dramatically, but as a criticism of the banks, this is out of date. Governments are taking steps to never have to bailout a bank again, and now the myth that a bank is too large to fail has been shattered, share-holders will be keen to prevent another catastrophe. True, it still might, but rewards come with risks and there is little that can be done to prevent that. This Green pledge is more of a socialist attack on the whole system of Capitalism, a valid in its ambition, but the changes to our economy and way of life would need to be drastic to have any actual beneficial effect other than drive away business and investment.

Health and the NHS

“We believe in keeping the health service free – we would abolish prescription charges, re-introduce free eye tests and ensure NHS chiropody is widely available. We will also fight to restore free dental care and provide everyone with the choice of an NHS dentist.”

People in England should be pretty peeved that those in devolved areas seem to get so much more for their money. In Scotland they get free prescriptions and healthcare for the elderly. Where does our money go? To bankers? Duck ponds? That must be it, right?

In reality, different parts of the UK decide to funnel their money into different areas. In England the NHS spends a lot of money of cancer drugs that the Scottish NHS simply wouldn’t be able to afford. So on the one hand, it is great that everyone in Scotland can get free prescriptions for any ailment, but if a particularly horrendous one does strike, they may have worse chances of survival.

Now there may be a lot of perfectly benign sources that the Greens could find the money for these proposals (scrapping Trident, putting a tax on children) but without specifying where the money would come from we can only assume they’ll follow the Scottish model.

Pensions and the Elderly

“The Green Party would introduce a free home insulation programme for all homes that need it, with priority for pensioners and those living in fuel poverty. We aim to insulate 4 million homes every year.”

A very admirable policy. It would create jobs and reduce dependency on energy. How affordable it is, I’m not sure, but practical green policies like this are when the greens are at their best.


Jobs and Living Wage

“Top bankers continue to pocket your money in the form of unearned bonuses, while factories, firms and farms are forced to lay off more and more workers by the day, week and month.

“This must end. Our major and immediate priority is the creation of an extra million jobs and training places. An immediate £44bn package of measures would include workforce training, investment in renewables, public transport, insulation, social housing and waste management.”

Hmm. This is where it gets worrying. The continued slamming of ‘bankers’ is very populist at the moment. Where politicians used to be able to open a sentence by mentioning ‘drug dealers’ and then ‘terrorists’ in the hope the audience’s fury would encourage them to agree with whatever they say, now that lofty position is held by bankers.

So riding high after that inflammatory statement, they Greens suddenly find £44bn to splash out with. If there is a magic pot of money somewhere that only the Greens know how to find, then they might be onto something. However, if the truth is, as my cold cynical heart suspects, that there is no money other than what can be borrowed or taxed, then the snag in their plan becomes clear.

“We are demanding the introduction of a ‘Living Wage’. This will help ensure low paid workers earn enough to provide for themselves and their families and eradicate poverty in Britain for good. The Green Party will fight for a National Minimum Wage of 60% of net national average earnings (currently this would mean a minimum wage of £8.10 per hour).”

Interesting. As a minimum wage that seems very reasonable. Some research needs to be done to assess the impact on growth, but if that is negligible then who could oppose such a move? However, if there is an impact, then the only sensible thing to do is wait a term and implement it later when things aren’t quite so dire.

Transport

“We would spend £1.5bn subsidising existing public transport to make fares up to 10% cheaper and £30bn over the Parliament on investing in a better system.  This will have the effect of strengthening communities, promoting a greater appreciation of place, reducing crime, improving the health of the population, and reducing traffic fatalities.   And it would also create 160,000 jobs.”

Fantastic! I love it! Can we afford it? If we can’t, what else can we cut in order to be able to? The Greens suggest that the £30bn would come from road projects that they would abandon. If that is true, then good luck to them. Our railways need investment to lure drivers away from their cars. However, people should be prepared for some pretty dire roads in the meantime and no guarantee that there will be much of a noticeable improvement (£30bn only buys you a lot of railways these days if your shopping with Hornby).

Conclusion? To vote or not to?

Some Green policies are extremely admirable and should be given due care and attention. However, a lot of the current proposals are either unaffordable, or the tax hikes necessary would limit the growth they emphasise is so important. We would all like to see Corporation Tax go up, but to do so would be to drive away the investment we need. It’s a painful truth, but a truth nonetheless.

Ultimately the Green pledges seem to be a mix of sensible policies and nonsensical rhetoric lurching into a form of socialism that is now long dead. If they want to propose de-constructing capitalism, then they should campaign for that and not be ashamed to do so. However, if they aim to work within a global capitalist society, then they need to wake up to that fact.

The problem the Green party faces is that if you take all the policies that could work and cast off all the ones that wouldn’t you roughly end up with the Liberal Democrat manifesto. The Greens would argue that it is worth abandoning this established third party and move to them, because the Liberal Democrats shamed themselves by going into a coalition. But under first-past-the-post the only option for a third party is a coalition, and if the greens were to grow at the expense of eating the liberal corpse, they too would face a similar fate.

Unfortunately for the Greens their sensible option is still to throw their weight behind the liberals instead of trying to destroy them. Bolstering this party with which they agree with on so many issues, might actually get them some of the policies they claim to be in politics to implement. If they aren’t sincere about achieving any of them, then they can continue as they are: a side attraction that splits the green and liberal vote.

Debate 2: Domestic, The Rise Of Clegg

“I agree with Nick”

“Liberal Democrat poll surge could wipe out Labour”

“Liberal Democrats surge after Nick Clegg’s TV debate performance”

Just some of the headlines that litter the internet like shrapnel from a liberal bomb. Right now Tory and Labour strategists must be scratching their heads and muttering, “just how did they do it?”

On Wednesday things were plodding along as they had been the past month: Conservatives still held a steady lead in the polls, though they were slipping against a Labour party gaining momentum. This has been happening for some time, Brown stalking Cameron like Mike Myers in Halloween – never running, but a bringing a sense of impending inevitable doom.

And then the TV debate happened. Everyone was expecting Nick Clegg to benefit the most, he is after all so unknown that he could hardly drop in the public’s esteem. What the pundits didn’t expect was Clegg to connect with the public so fundamentally.

Lets make this clear though, he wasn’t Jesus Christ, risen again but this time armed to the teeth. He was simply a good natured liberal. What put Labour and Conservatives so far off-guard was that they had forgotten that politics is about policy. So when Clegg started suggesting inherently logical Lib Dem proposals they were utterly flummoxed and felt the tide of opinion flow from beneath their swollen feet so fast they thought an earthquake was occurring.

If anything I thought Clegg was a bit too nice. I would like to have seen Charles Kennedy there, cracking jokes and swigging from a hip flask.

Brown did well, not enough to stop people hating him, but enough to dispel a lot of the tabloid muck.

Cameron, on the other hand, was the biggest loser of the evening. It had looked like he had the perfect advantage: the public on his side, leading in the polls, positioned in the middle to look prime-ministerial. But what happened? He looked vacuous. Not experienced enough to match Brown and not young and vibrant enough to match Clegg. A non-entity. A joke.

So, round two to the Lib Dems. Rather shocking because they won the chancellors debate too. For the next one Clegg better change his game plan, because the other two are going to clusterfuck him. They will not like being made fools of and right now they are plotting and scheming their revenge. The media will go after Clegg too, because what they build up they also tear down. Good luck Cleggy-boy, you’re going to need it.

LABOUR: 2
CONSERVATIVES: 0
LIBERAL DEMOCRATS: 4

(current breakdown – Cable 2, Darling 1, Osbourne 0 & Clegg 2, Brown 1, Cameron 0)

A poll conducted by ITV after the debate had Lib Dems up 14 points to 35%. That is amazing.

Wasted Vote? Not for me!

We all know what it’s like. You go into the booth on polling day, cast your vote, and then on your way out you fall to your knees and weep. Why? Because you live in a safe seat and you’ve just wasted your vote, that’s why. We live in a first-past-the-post electoral system, and that means for millions of voters the election is utterly pointless. An exercise in futility, carried out over and over until the end of time. It’s like Sisyphus pushing the rock up the hill, only instead of a rock it’s a huge bag of shit. And instead of rolling back down the hill, the bag of shit is elected into government. Geddit?

In 2005 I lived in the Windsor constituency, a safe Conservative seat, which meant that no matter what I did, the Tories were going to win. The Conservative candidate could walk through the streets naked, farting through a megaphone and he’d still pull in an impossibly high share of the vote (incidentally, he tried something even more risky: he knocked on my door and spent about ten minutes debating drug policy, but more on that another time). So for me, 2005 was an utter wash out.

Well not this time! By some glorious quirk of fate I’m currently living in Islignton which means I get to take part in the Islington South & Finsbury election, a tough battle between Labour and the Liberal Democrats. Labour hold Islington South by just 1.6% of the vote, which means it’s ripe for Lib Dem plucking.

Not only that but the Liberal Democrats’ candidate is Bridget Fox, whom saw recently at a demonstration against the Digital Economy Bill without realising she was my constituency candidate. At the time I remember thinking it was brave of her to brazenly associate herself with a protest that included a big banner for the “Pirate Party”. In the modern era of smear and snap judgement, that took guts (either that or she’s deeply naïve about the power of a bad photo – Or maybe I’m just more paranoid about things like this…).

So, indeed, I feel terribly spoiled. My vote will count and I have someone worth voting for. Such novelty! This must be what it feels like for the Iraqis, only without the terror and the risk of being blown to pieces on the way to the electoral office. All I’ve got to worry about is a spot of rain or some dog-shit on the pavement.

On second thoughts, I might not vote. That sounds a bit too risky.

SIDE NOTE: The current MP for Islington South didn’t vote on the DE Bill, which meant that the damn thing got through. Thank you very much Emily Thornberry! I look forward to booting your arse out on May 6th.

It. Is. On.

Well, it’s on.

On Tuesday 6th April Gordon Brown finally called the election. I never thought the day would come, having been well versed in his cowardly nature over the course of this Labour government. I half-expected the Queen to step in, dissolving parliament and dispatching her guards to pull him out of Number 10 by the ankles. Such is this man’s love for power, and the damage done having to wait ten years, so close to the top job, but always out of grasp. A proud man, belittled by Tony Blair who had the insufferable knack of being popular despite his insanity.

So: May the 6th. Put it in your diary, tattoo it on your arm. This is going to be the most exciting election since 1992, and considering I was eight at the time, its safe to say its the most exciting election ever. Yes, the world didn’t really exist when I was too young to contemplate it. I know this. You know this. Or you would if your minds actually existed. Which they don’t. So there.

Anyway, enough Solipsism. Although I’m guessing there’s going to be a lot of it about over the next month. Gordon Brown must feel a lot like Rimmer from Red Dwarf’s “Better Than Life” – the soul creator of the world, but his own neurosis’ cause everything to fall apart. Perhaps that’s why, just when it looked like Labour was making a big come-back, a platoon of big business leaders made public their support of the Tory tax-cut proposal. The world hates Gordon, because he hates himself.

But is this big-business support for the Conservative Party really something to cause Labour heartache? The Conservative Party have always been the party of the rich, and given these business leaders are all ludicrously high earners, can we really take their word that a rise in national insurance contributions would damage the recovery? It’s like a weapons manufacturer speaking out on the importance of victory in Afghanistan. Just a tad bit of self-interest going on…

This Tory tax cut is hilarious. Not just because it isn’t a tax cut at all, its keeping it the same whilst Labour would raise it, but because they plan on financing it through cutting waste. Now think about this for a moment. No-one likes waste. No political party campaigns on a platform of increased waste. If it can be cut, it will be. If not, it won’t. A single party cannot make it a part of their campaign, that’s not politics, it’s a dispute between managers. And given that no target for cutting waste has ever been met in British politics, it’s fairly safe to assume this Tory pledge will raise our deficit rather than reduce it.

Nick Clegg, who I’ve been condemning since his election as leader of the Liberal Democrats (I would have gone for Chris Huhne who has enough pizazz to win a debate, whilst looking dull enough to win over Tory voters) managed to have a good day on PMQs. Finally he seemed to be getting wound up by the corrupt main parties and their opposition to political reform. We saw some anger. Great stuff, Clegg. Now lets see you mount a battle-wagon, touring up and down the country dressed as a phoenix promising to eviscerate your enemies with your fire breath. It can only win you votes.

Actually, Vince Cable seems so popular now that he’s pushed out at every opportunity to stand beside Non-Entity-Clegg. This will continue until the public start making the association and the magic rubs off. Don’t you get it yet? Cable – Clegg. Cable – Clegg. Cable – Clegg. Got it?

If that doesn’t work Clegg should start wearing a latex mask of Cable. In fact all Lib Dems should, a vast army of Vince Cables, marching on Westminster to sort out the economy and indulge in a bit of ballroom dancing. True, if the latex masks aren’t of a high enough quality they will look like an army of orcs, but the heart attacks caused will only help to thin the Tory vote.

Go on, order your Vince Cable mask today! I’ve ordered mine, and seeing as how I’ve created the entire world for my own amusement (being the only mind in existence) I’m sure you’ve ordered yours too. I’ll see you on election day, dressed in leather armour and clawing at the legs of wealthy bankers.

The Cable Army demand your bonuses! Flee before us!

David Cameron’s Getting More Sex Than You

David Cameron’s had sex. Yup, I know, it’s not the sort of thing you want to read about, but then neither did I and I’ve been forced to endure it all week. No not the sex, the story about how Samantha Cameron’s knocked up. Normally this wouldn’t be the business of peasants like us, but seeing as how it’s being used as a blatant piece of electioneering, I’m compelled to comment.

So yes, David Cameron has had sex. And not long ago in a bygone era, we’re talking within living memory, just a few months ago. It’s true, one day you saw him giving a speech, the next you heard him babbling inanely on the radio, and in the meantime he was getting his end away, while you, what were you doing? Eating toast and watching Come Dine With Me?

And now he’s going to get a bump in the polls (“aha”, they must cackle, “a bump for a bump!”), and its well worth the price of a bit of torn vagina nine months down the line. That very pitch is probably going on in all corners of the political spectrum, as eager politicians try to play catch up. Gordon Brown’s probably getting it on in the kitchen as we speak, It doesn’t bear thinking about. Actually, yes, go on, imagine it! Are your eyes and ears leaking blood? Good.

Probably the only one who isn’t doing the dirty right now is Nick Clegg, who no doubt propositioned his partner, only for her to turn around and ask him to remind her who he was.

Not that this is anything unusual, it has happened before, and Cameron’s not going to repeat the mistakes of the past. In 2005 Charles Kennedy’s child was born in the run-up to the election to disastrous results as he appeared zombie-like in a press conference, drooling with a soiled nappy stuck to his head. No, Cameron’s child will be born in September, not so late that he can’t announce the pregnancy now, but not so early that it actually interferes with the campaign. Brilliant!

So thanks to his well-timed fornication I’ve got to read about it. I can only assume it managed to happen because way back in Dec/Jan he was much further ahead in the polls. “Oh your personal-approval rating is sooo huuuuge” she must have cooed as his head became engorged. And I do mean his actual head, which is apt to swell whenever he is angry, excited or defensive, similar to a toad trying to scare off a rival. You can see it every week on prime ministers questions. Priceless.

Finally, something that’s baffling me is all this “Sam Cam” stuff. Is that short-hand for “Samantha Cameron” or is it some tawdry online peep show where we can watch the conception for a small donation to the Tory party? Horrible. What sort of creep thinks of stuff like this?

What I Won’t Be Doing On Election Day

I won’t be taking part in the May election. Sure I’ll vote, I’ll complain, I’ll rant endlessly to whoever will indulge me a moment, but I will not knock on peoples doors like I did in 2005. I’ll never do that again.

As soon as a person dons a political party badge a strange thing happens. They cease to be a human being. All likeable attributes are immediately stripped from the poor bastard and what is left is a walking target for the masses to throw shit at.

“You’re all the same!” they would howl at me as they slammed the door in my face so hard they were hoping the wood would fuse and never open again. I was always perplexed at that. How was I in any way like the Tories against whom I campaigned? But then, I was on the inside looking out, if only I could have seen me through their eyes I would have witnessed the faceless political blob I’d become, a walking advertisement for corruption, dodgy dealing and lies. Yes, the moment I’d tried to change Britain for the better I’d revealed myself to be the enemy.

So no thank you very much! Not this time. This year I’m going to be the one slamming doors. I’m going to be the one heckling some poor idealist who only wants to add you to his long list of “undecided”. You just watch me! I’ve been training my mouth to produce more saliva for extra spitting volume.

Of course that wasn’t the most gruesome aspect of election day. The true horror happens when you spend a whole day at the voting booths themselves. The average voter turns up, shambles into a little cubical, has some alone time, and then returns to deposit their vote. Its all rather similar to a sperm donor clinic, very similar if you think about it; most people’s votes are wank anyway. This is the truth you see when you witness voters close up. For a whole day.

First you have the grey vote. You remember the original Dawn of the Dead? When all the zombies gather at the shopping mall, mindlessly going through the same motions they used to when they were alive? Well it’s the same on election day with OAP’s voting Tory. They don’t know why, but they feel compelled to do it. As they totter in you can hear them chatting about how it’s nice to have a day out, “Oh I don’t know anything about politics, but its nice to see people down the community centre”. And it is a nice day out for them, who can knock that? The problem is that they are slowly strangling out political system just so they can have a nice day time, kind of like an entertainer on the tube filling balloon animals with nerve gas.

Then you have the working class who are so out of touch with modern times that they actually still refer to themselves as “working class” instead of middle class which is what they are. They hark on about always voting labour as if they are still the beleaguered underdogs set upon by Thatcher who must stick together no matter what, instead of the dirty sell outs they spend all their waking consciousness pretending not to be.

The final major group are the liars. These are the ones who sneak into the polling booths to vote conservative because they a) hate foreigners, b) are quite well off and would like lower taxes to get even more well off, c) hate people who aren’t foreigners but look like they should be, d) are a bit scared of Europe, or e) are deeply sexually repressed and want to stop anyone else having any fun whatsoever. People of this ilk usually have the sense to be ashamed of their vote, so when leaving swear they voted for another party. This is why there is a disparity between the exit-polls and the final results. It’s called the tory-bounce. And it’s shameful.

The last stragglers are the cocky superior arse-holes who think they’re all that because they vote morally, which usually means they vote lib-dem. Being such a young party, the liberals don’t have the advantage of feeding upon peoples sense of tribalism, instead they have to convince voters with things like “policy”. Can you believe it? Crazy! The result is that all lib dem voters get all smug that they actually put some thought into it. Some even write lengthy blogs slating all other sorts of voter, the scummy bastards!

This small group of voters is the reason why the lib dems are stuck around the 17-19% mark in the polls and are doomed to never shift. There simply aren’t enough voters out there willing to put thought into their vote. They can never compete with the greys, the greed-heads, the working-middle classes and the swingers.

The swingers, by the way, are not the sexually liberated fellows you’re thinking of, but swing voters who confuse polls by being easily duped into supporting either Labour or Conservative depending upon what the tabloids told them that day. You won’t see them at the polling stations though, they’re far too fickle. If you want a little cup of political jizz, you have to turn to the others.

It Just Got Interesting

The average voter doesn’t care about polls. Nor should they, polls are ever changing and one even a week before an election can be entirely different from the actual result. No, any sane person would ignore this gibberish and get on with their lives. Unless of course they are a political junkie, in which case these figures are poured over as a gambling addict would study reports of football injuries before a big match.

Previously, your libertarian commentator here has been in he bunker, quaking in fear. This is because anything but a Tory victory in May seemed unlikely. Truth be told, the reality of Prime Minister Cameron was proving too much for my fragile mind and I was forced to retreat beneath the duvet with a bottle of whiskey.

That was until today, because today things just got interesting. The Times have published poll data indicating that the Tory lead has fallen so much that if the election was held today Brown would remain as prime minister. Holy Moley! The Tory lead is down to 2 points, which is remarkable considering they once enjoyed a massive 26 point lead.

While choosing between Brown and Cameron is like choosing from a menu consisting of just puke and shit, the fact that the election is no longer certain makes this the most exciting election the UK has seen since 97.

The repercussions of this drop in the public’s esteem will have dire consequences for the Conservative party. Unless they move quickly to quell dissent, the traditional Tory grass-roots will become disillusioned with Cameron’s “modernising” and demand policies to appeal to the core vote, such as tough immigration and hanging dope peddlers.

So why have the public gone cold on Cameron? The biggest problem, I think, is that for all his talk of change he has yet to tell us of something that would change society. Six promises are being made by the Tories in the Brighton conference this weekend: cutting the national debt (not much of a change, everyone can see that needs to be done), boosting enterprise (because Labour hate business, clearly!), making Britain more family friendly (quite how this is a change, we do not know), backing the National Health Service (ahh yes, that ignored public service that has been starved of finance under Brown), raising school standards (Labour hate schools too), and changing the apparatus of politics (yet they oppose reforming our broken electoral system… hmmm).

Even if the Tories kept to their promises, our society wouldn’t be changed much. At best it would be run slightly better, and even then that will be open to interpretation.

This equalising of the two parties odds makes interesting news for the Lib Dems. With Labour and the Conservatives’ fates in the balance, the Liberals can choose the winning party by targeting the voters of the opposite side. If they target Tory votes, Labour gets in. If they go for Labour supporters, the conservatives get in. Ironically the Lib Dems are destined to make a winning party out of whichever they disagree with most, though that winning party will still need the Liberals to prop up their vote if they want any sort of parliamentary clout. It’s clear that the Liberal Democrats could very well be holding all the cards, but how they play them is certainly uncertain.

With over two months to go and three live debates, the whole game is still to play for. But at least now the game should be interesting.

The Queen’s Gone Mad!

Today the Queen described a magical world where parliament is able to pass ten bills in seven months. Totally crazy of course, given that the conservatives and lib dems could defeat any bill that hit the lords, but hey, she’s an old gal, and just because she’s gibbering inanely, doesn’t mean we should be rude and point it out to her, does it?

Of course not! It’s not her fault at all – Gawd Bless her! – it’s those Labour rotters making her read out their pre-election manifesto, a last ditch attempt to sell their thousands of third class tickets for the labour-titanic fourth-term voyage. Election time is only seven months away (at the most!) and so far no-one’s buying.

The proposals include support for the most impoverished elderly, giving more powers to Ofcom and rather hilariously, a law promising to cut the deficit in half. How silly is that? Actually creating a law to guarantee they do the job they should just be doing! It’s the equivalent of Arnold J Rimmer spending all his pre-exam time working on the revision timetable.

This nonsense was noted by Nick “please don’t look at me lest you learn just how dull I actually am” Clegg who called it “fantasy politics” and called for the government to spend the rest of their term reforming our electoral system. Now that really is a fantasy!

David Cameron on the other hand had a confession to make. After claiming that the government had run out of “time, ideas and courage” he went on to say they were “acting like an opposition”. Damn right Davey boy, that’s precisely how our main opposition party have been behaving for years.

The election seems to have kicked off, and it looks like a dull depressing affair with no hope of salvation, just an inevitable slide to conservatism. It’s like an old war-criminal dying of old age, leaving his estate to a spotty slimy bigoted nephew. Or perhaps Macbeth being deposed, only to be replaced by his mad wife. Only swine-flu can save us now.