What I Won’t Be Doing On Election Day

I won’t be taking part in the May election. Sure I’ll vote, I’ll complain, I’ll rant endlessly to whoever will indulge me a moment, but I will not knock on peoples doors like I did in 2005. I’ll never do that again.

As soon as a person dons a political party badge a strange thing happens. They cease to be a human being. All likeable attributes are immediately stripped from the poor bastard and what is left is a walking target for the masses to throw shit at.

“You’re all the same!” they would howl at me as they slammed the door in my face so hard they were hoping the wood would fuse and never open again. I was always perplexed at that. How was I in any way like the Tories against whom I campaigned? But then, I was on the inside looking out, if only I could have seen me through their eyes I would have witnessed the faceless political blob I’d become, a walking advertisement for corruption, dodgy dealing and lies. Yes, the moment I’d tried to change Britain for the better I’d revealed myself to be the enemy.

So no thank you very much! Not this time. This year I’m going to be the one slamming doors. I’m going to be the one heckling some poor idealist who only wants to add you to his long list of “undecided”. You just watch me! I’ve been training my mouth to produce more saliva for extra spitting volume.

Of course that wasn’t the most gruesome aspect of election day. The true horror happens when you spend a whole day at the voting booths themselves. The average voter turns up, shambles into a little cubical, has some alone time, and then returns to deposit their vote. Its all rather similar to a sperm donor clinic, very similar if you think about it; most people’s votes are wank anyway. This is the truth you see when you witness voters close up. For a whole day.

First you have the grey vote. You remember the original Dawn of the Dead? When all the zombies gather at the shopping mall, mindlessly going through the same motions they used to when they were alive? Well it’s the same on election day with OAP’s voting Tory. They don’t know why, but they feel compelled to do it. As they totter in you can hear them chatting about how it’s nice to have a day out, “Oh I don’t know anything about politics, but its nice to see people down the community centre”. And it is a nice day out for them, who can knock that? The problem is that they are slowly strangling out political system just so they can have a nice day time, kind of like an entertainer on the tube filling balloon animals with nerve gas.

Then you have the working class who are so out of touch with modern times that they actually still refer to themselves as “working class” instead of middle class which is what they are. They hark on about always voting labour as if they are still the beleaguered underdogs set upon by Thatcher who must stick together no matter what, instead of the dirty sell outs they spend all their waking consciousness pretending not to be.

The final major group are the liars. These are the ones who sneak into the polling booths to vote conservative because they a) hate foreigners, b) are quite well off and would like lower taxes to get even more well off, c) hate people who aren’t foreigners but look like they should be, d) are a bit scared of Europe, or e) are deeply sexually repressed and want to stop anyone else having any fun whatsoever. People of this ilk usually have the sense to be ashamed of their vote, so when leaving swear they voted for another party. This is why there is a disparity between the exit-polls and the final results. It’s called the tory-bounce. And it’s shameful.

The last stragglers are the cocky superior arse-holes who think they’re all that because they vote morally, which usually means they vote lib-dem. Being such a young party, the liberals don’t have the advantage of feeding upon peoples sense of tribalism, instead they have to convince voters with things like “policy”. Can you believe it? Crazy! The result is that all lib dem voters get all smug that they actually put some thought into it. Some even write lengthy blogs slating all other sorts of voter, the scummy bastards!

This small group of voters is the reason why the lib dems are stuck around the 17-19% mark in the polls and are doomed to never shift. There simply aren’t enough voters out there willing to put thought into their vote. They can never compete with the greys, the greed-heads, the working-middle classes and the swingers.

The swingers, by the way, are not the sexually liberated fellows you’re thinking of, but swing voters who confuse polls by being easily duped into supporting either Labour or Conservative depending upon what the tabloids told them that day. You won’t see them at the polling stations though, they’re far too fickle. If you want a little cup of political jizz, you have to turn to the others.

Methadro.. Mephra.. Meh?

I’ve been on holiday the past week, a glorious retreat west. So it is then that my head is currently lodged somewhere else around the globe as jet-lag nibbles upon my temporal lobe and sucks on my eyeballs. This has left me in a somewhat bewildered state for dealing with British news, though like a mentally handicapped boy swimming amongst crocodiles, I have a detached protection of sorts.

So perhaps when normally I would react with horror and outrage at drugs once again hitting the headlines “Review pledged over use of legal high drug mephedrone, BBC News”, I can only laugh derisively. This fuss is over a drug called mephedrone (not to be confused with meth or methadone – showing a complete lack of imagination on the part of the sellers, why couldn’t they call it “grinded bones” or “sizzle flour”… actually no, they’re both rubbish, but some on, lets not confuse the customers eh?) a currently legal high that has allegedly killed two teenagers.

So naturally we get the flurry public outcry somewhat reminiscent of a village grabbing flaming sticks and taking to the home of the mad scientist atop the hill. Out front of course is always the sobbing bereaved (“the creature killed my daughter”), but this person is just for show, to give the mob some legitimacy. The real head honcho is always the pigheaded village bully who’d always had it in for the “wierdo who lives on the hill”. In this case the loud-mouth (or at least one of them) is Shadow home secretary Chris Grayling who stated, “An incoming Conservative government would mount an urgent review of these substances with a view to adding them to the list of banned substances.”

So no surprises there: the Tories would ban something that there is relatively little scientific data on. That’s why the ACMD (advisory committee on the misuse of drugs) are so flummoxed about it. No one really knows much. What we do know is that it is sold as a ‘plant feeder’ and ‘not for human consumption’, which implies me to that if someone snorts it, its their own damn fault. If I took it in my head to start shoving drain cleaner up my nose I would be considered a bloody moron, not someone in need of being protected from a dangerous drug.

But still, what can you expect? Britain is still essentially a puritanical country at heart, we don’t like reading about people getting happy on the cheap. I know one thing for sure though, when my leg-lag wears off and I start thinking about this seriously, I’ll want to be back out west, sunning it up, away from all these nutters.

It Just Got Interesting

The average voter doesn’t care about polls. Nor should they, polls are ever changing and one even a week before an election can be entirely different from the actual result. No, any sane person would ignore this gibberish and get on with their lives. Unless of course they are a political junkie, in which case these figures are poured over as a gambling addict would study reports of football injuries before a big match.

Previously, your libertarian commentator here has been in he bunker, quaking in fear. This is because anything but a Tory victory in May seemed unlikely. Truth be told, the reality of Prime Minister Cameron was proving too much for my fragile mind and I was forced to retreat beneath the duvet with a bottle of whiskey.

That was until today, because today things just got interesting. The Times have published poll data indicating that the Tory lead has fallen so much that if the election was held today Brown would remain as prime minister. Holy Moley! The Tory lead is down to 2 points, which is remarkable considering they once enjoyed a massive 26 point lead.

While choosing between Brown and Cameron is like choosing from a menu consisting of just puke and shit, the fact that the election is no longer certain makes this the most exciting election the UK has seen since 97.

The repercussions of this drop in the public’s esteem will have dire consequences for the Conservative party. Unless they move quickly to quell dissent, the traditional Tory grass-roots will become disillusioned with Cameron’s “modernising” and demand policies to appeal to the core vote, such as tough immigration and hanging dope peddlers.

So why have the public gone cold on Cameron? The biggest problem, I think, is that for all his talk of change he has yet to tell us of something that would change society. Six promises are being made by the Tories in the Brighton conference this weekend: cutting the national debt (not much of a change, everyone can see that needs to be done), boosting enterprise (because Labour hate business, clearly!), making Britain more family friendly (quite how this is a change, we do not know), backing the National Health Service (ahh yes, that ignored public service that has been starved of finance under Brown), raising school standards (Labour hate schools too), and changing the apparatus of politics (yet they oppose reforming our broken electoral system… hmmm).

Even if the Tories kept to their promises, our society wouldn’t be changed much. At best it would be run slightly better, and even then that will be open to interpretation.

This equalising of the two parties odds makes interesting news for the Lib Dems. With Labour and the Conservatives’ fates in the balance, the Liberals can choose the winning party by targeting the voters of the opposite side. If they target Tory votes, Labour gets in. If they go for Labour supporters, the conservatives get in. Ironically the Lib Dems are destined to make a winning party out of whichever they disagree with most, though that winning party will still need the Liberals to prop up their vote if they want any sort of parliamentary clout. It’s clear that the Liberal Democrats could very well be holding all the cards, but how they play them is certainly uncertain.

With over two months to go and three live debates, the whole game is still to play for. But at least now the game should be interesting.

Is it safe to come out yet?

It has been a long time since the last post. I would like to say this is because not much has been happening, but in truth the news has been packed with pre-election festivities. Instead I was burying my head in the sand trying to distance myself from the grim reality that “Prime Minister Cameron” is not far away. There us something horrendously depressing about a nation that thinks this slimy PR man is electable. I agree that Brown needs taking down; the man is a coward who plays with drug policy to score easy political points, he leads a party who were willing to sell out their beliefs to secure power in ’97 and has managed to rubbish the commendable cause of electoral reform by only proposing it in the run-up to an election he’s likely to lose. However turning to the conservatives just to spite labour is like joining Stalin because you think Hitler’s a rotter, or watching Ant because you can’t stand Dec.

So what’s been happening? What have I missed? Well, it seems fake British passports have been used in an assassination of a Hamas leader. What’s been most funny about this is the amount of idiots in the media, separated from reality by too many episodes of “24”, who praised this breach of international law. A similar response flooded our press in response to the revelations about UK complicity in torture.

So, torture and assassination. Nothing new there. What else?

Rather hilariously the Tories managed to cock up their figures in a report about “Broken Britain”. Instead of publishing that in the 10 most deprived areas 5.4% of girls are pregnant before the age of 18, they stated that it was 54%. This misplacement of the decimal point let us have a glimpse of the fantastical world of conservative politics, where the world is viewed through a crystal window powdered with a fine layer of cocaine, sneezed out in snorts of pious guffaw at those vile chavs that must make up the rest of British society.

Oh the joys of a UK election. I sure hope something interesting happens in the polls, perhaps the lib dems might pull their thumb out and give us an opposition with guts, or perhaps the electorate might decide that spoiling their ballot is better than voting for the windbags that occupy the two ruling parties. For now I’ll keep my fingers crossed and try to keep my head above ground, until I’m faced with the reality of Prime Minister Cameron of course; when that happens I won’t be able to dig myself deep enough.

We’re not the same, I’m a liberal, you’re a sick asshole

David Cameron, in a move to poach Liberal Democrat votes, has appealed to the more gullible ranks amongst the liberal supporters. In a speech designed to strengthen the Tory lead by siphoning off Lib Dems, Cameron claimed there was “a lot less disagreement than there used to be” between the two parties.

Essentially what Cameron was saying was, “We’re not so different, you and I. In fact we’re so similar you might as well vote Conservative just to make sure those pesky socialists lose the next election. Then we can all settle down in a hot-tub together. It’ll be lovely.”

Quick off the mark so not to be seen as someone with the lurgey, Nick Clegg made a speech distancing himself from Cameron’s remarks. Turns out Liberals don’t like being compared to Tories one bit. It was all somehow reminiscent of a certain scene from Falling Down….