It. Is. On.

Well, it’s on.

On Tuesday 6th April Gordon Brown finally called the election. I never thought the day would come, having been well versed in his cowardly nature over the course of this Labour government. I half-expected the Queen to step in, dissolving parliament and dispatching her guards to pull him out of Number 10 by the ankles. Such is this man’s love for power, and the damage done having to wait ten years, so close to the top job, but always out of grasp. A proud man, belittled by Tony Blair who had the insufferable knack of being popular despite his insanity.

So: May the 6th. Put it in your diary, tattoo it on your arm. This is going to be the most exciting election since 1992, and considering I was eight at the time, its safe to say its the most exciting election ever. Yes, the world didn’t really exist when I was too young to contemplate it. I know this. You know this. Or you would if your minds actually existed. Which they don’t. So there.

Anyway, enough Solipsism. Although I’m guessing there’s going to be a lot of it about over the next month. Gordon Brown must feel a lot like Rimmer from Red Dwarf’s “Better Than Life” – the soul creator of the world, but his own neurosis’ cause everything to fall apart. Perhaps that’s why, just when it looked like Labour was making a big come-back, a platoon of big business leaders made public their support of the Tory tax-cut proposal. The world hates Gordon, because he hates himself.

But is this big-business support for the Conservative Party really something to cause Labour heartache? The Conservative Party have always been the party of the rich, and given these business leaders are all ludicrously high earners, can we really take their word that a rise in national insurance contributions would damage the recovery? It’s like a weapons manufacturer speaking out on the importance of victory in Afghanistan. Just a tad bit of self-interest going on…

This Tory tax cut is hilarious. Not just because it isn’t a tax cut at all, its keeping it the same whilst Labour would raise it, but because they plan on financing it through cutting waste. Now think about this for a moment. No-one likes waste. No political party campaigns on a platform of increased waste. If it can be cut, it will be. If not, it won’t. A single party cannot make it a part of their campaign, that’s not politics, it’s a dispute between managers. And given that no target for cutting waste has ever been met in British politics, it’s fairly safe to assume this Tory pledge will raise our deficit rather than reduce it.

Nick Clegg, who I’ve been condemning since his election as leader of the Liberal Democrats (I would have gone for Chris Huhne who has enough pizazz to win a debate, whilst looking dull enough to win over Tory voters) managed to have a good day on PMQs. Finally he seemed to be getting wound up by the corrupt main parties and their opposition to political reform. We saw some anger. Great stuff, Clegg. Now lets see you mount a battle-wagon, touring up and down the country dressed as a phoenix promising to eviscerate your enemies with your fire breath. It can only win you votes.

Actually, Vince Cable seems so popular now that he’s pushed out at every opportunity to stand beside Non-Entity-Clegg. This will continue until the public start making the association and the magic rubs off. Don’t you get it yet? Cable – Clegg. Cable – Clegg. Cable – Clegg. Got it?

If that doesn’t work Clegg should start wearing a latex mask of Cable. In fact all Lib Dems should, a vast army of Vince Cables, marching on Westminster to sort out the economy and indulge in a bit of ballroom dancing. True, if the latex masks aren’t of a high enough quality they will look like an army of orcs, but the heart attacks caused will only help to thin the Tory vote.

Go on, order your Vince Cable mask today! I’ve ordered mine, and seeing as how I’ve created the entire world for my own amusement (being the only mind in existence) I’m sure you’ve ordered yours too. I’ll see you on election day, dressed in leather armour and clawing at the legs of wealthy bankers.

The Cable Army demand your bonuses! Flee before us!

David Cameron’s Getting More Sex Than You

David Cameron’s had sex. Yup, I know, it’s not the sort of thing you want to read about, but then neither did I and I’ve been forced to endure it all week. No not the sex, the story about how Samantha Cameron’s knocked up. Normally this wouldn’t be the business of peasants like us, but seeing as how it’s being used as a blatant piece of electioneering, I’m compelled to comment.

So yes, David Cameron has had sex. And not long ago in a bygone era, we’re talking within living memory, just a few months ago. It’s true, one day you saw him giving a speech, the next you heard him babbling inanely on the radio, and in the meantime he was getting his end away, while you, what were you doing? Eating toast and watching Come Dine With Me?

And now he’s going to get a bump in the polls (“aha”, they must cackle, “a bump for a bump!”), and its well worth the price of a bit of torn vagina nine months down the line. That very pitch is probably going on in all corners of the political spectrum, as eager politicians try to play catch up. Gordon Brown’s probably getting it on in the kitchen as we speak, It doesn’t bear thinking about. Actually, yes, go on, imagine it! Are your eyes and ears leaking blood? Good.

Probably the only one who isn’t doing the dirty right now is Nick Clegg, who no doubt propositioned his partner, only for her to turn around and ask him to remind her who he was.

Not that this is anything unusual, it has happened before, and Cameron’s not going to repeat the mistakes of the past. In 2005 Charles Kennedy’s child was born in the run-up to the election to disastrous results as he appeared zombie-like in a press conference, drooling with a soiled nappy stuck to his head. No, Cameron’s child will be born in September, not so late that he can’t announce the pregnancy now, but not so early that it actually interferes with the campaign. Brilliant!

So thanks to his well-timed fornication I’ve got to read about it. I can only assume it managed to happen because way back in Dec/Jan he was much further ahead in the polls. “Oh your personal-approval rating is sooo huuuuge” she must have cooed as his head became engorged. And I do mean his actual head, which is apt to swell whenever he is angry, excited or defensive, similar to a toad trying to scare off a rival. You can see it every week on prime ministers questions. Priceless.

Finally, something that’s baffling me is all this “Sam Cam” stuff. Is that short-hand for “Samantha Cameron” or is it some tawdry online peep show where we can watch the conception for a small donation to the Tory party? Horrible. What sort of creep thinks of stuff like this?

It Just Got Interesting

The average voter doesn’t care about polls. Nor should they, polls are ever changing and one even a week before an election can be entirely different from the actual result. No, any sane person would ignore this gibberish and get on with their lives. Unless of course they are a political junkie, in which case these figures are poured over as a gambling addict would study reports of football injuries before a big match.

Previously, your libertarian commentator here has been in he bunker, quaking in fear. This is because anything but a Tory victory in May seemed unlikely. Truth be told, the reality of Prime Minister Cameron was proving too much for my fragile mind and I was forced to retreat beneath the duvet with a bottle of whiskey.

That was until today, because today things just got interesting. The Times have published poll data indicating that the Tory lead has fallen so much that if the election was held today Brown would remain as prime minister. Holy Moley! The Tory lead is down to 2 points, which is remarkable considering they once enjoyed a massive 26 point lead.

While choosing between Brown and Cameron is like choosing from a menu consisting of just puke and shit, the fact that the election is no longer certain makes this the most exciting election the UK has seen since 97.

The repercussions of this drop in the public’s esteem will have dire consequences for the Conservative party. Unless they move quickly to quell dissent, the traditional Tory grass-roots will become disillusioned with Cameron’s “modernising” and demand policies to appeal to the core vote, such as tough immigration and hanging dope peddlers.

So why have the public gone cold on Cameron? The biggest problem, I think, is that for all his talk of change he has yet to tell us of something that would change society. Six promises are being made by the Tories in the Brighton conference this weekend: cutting the national debt (not much of a change, everyone can see that needs to be done), boosting enterprise (because Labour hate business, clearly!), making Britain more family friendly (quite how this is a change, we do not know), backing the National Health Service (ahh yes, that ignored public service that has been starved of finance under Brown), raising school standards (Labour hate schools too), and changing the apparatus of politics (yet they oppose reforming our broken electoral system… hmmm).

Even if the Tories kept to their promises, our society wouldn’t be changed much. At best it would be run slightly better, and even then that will be open to interpretation.

This equalising of the two parties odds makes interesting news for the Lib Dems. With Labour and the Conservatives’ fates in the balance, the Liberals can choose the winning party by targeting the voters of the opposite side. If they target Tory votes, Labour gets in. If they go for Labour supporters, the conservatives get in. Ironically the Lib Dems are destined to make a winning party out of whichever they disagree with most, though that winning party will still need the Liberals to prop up their vote if they want any sort of parliamentary clout. It’s clear that the Liberal Democrats could very well be holding all the cards, but how they play them is certainly uncertain.

With over two months to go and three live debates, the whole game is still to play for. But at least now the game should be interesting.

Is it safe to come out yet?

It has been a long time since the last post. I would like to say this is because not much has been happening, but in truth the news has been packed with pre-election festivities. Instead I was burying my head in the sand trying to distance myself from the grim reality that “Prime Minister Cameron” is not far away. There us something horrendously depressing about a nation that thinks this slimy PR man is electable. I agree that Brown needs taking down; the man is a coward who plays with drug policy to score easy political points, he leads a party who were willing to sell out their beliefs to secure power in ’97 and has managed to rubbish the commendable cause of electoral reform by only proposing it in the run-up to an election he’s likely to lose. However turning to the conservatives just to spite labour is like joining Stalin because you think Hitler’s a rotter, or watching Ant because you can’t stand Dec.

So what’s been happening? What have I missed? Well, it seems fake British passports have been used in an assassination of a Hamas leader. What’s been most funny about this is the amount of idiots in the media, separated from reality by too many episodes of “24”, who praised this breach of international law. A similar response flooded our press in response to the revelations about UK complicity in torture.

So, torture and assassination. Nothing new there. What else?

Rather hilariously the Tories managed to cock up their figures in a report about “Broken Britain”. Instead of publishing that in the 10 most deprived areas 5.4% of girls are pregnant before the age of 18, they stated that it was 54%. This misplacement of the decimal point let us have a glimpse of the fantastical world of conservative politics, where the world is viewed through a crystal window powdered with a fine layer of cocaine, sneezed out in snorts of pious guffaw at those vile chavs that must make up the rest of British society.

Oh the joys of a UK election. I sure hope something interesting happens in the polls, perhaps the lib dems might pull their thumb out and give us an opposition with guts, or perhaps the electorate might decide that spoiling their ballot is better than voting for the windbags that occupy the two ruling parties. For now I’ll keep my fingers crossed and try to keep my head above ground, until I’m faced with the reality of Prime Minister Cameron of course; when that happens I won’t be able to dig myself deep enough.

They’re Coming For You Barbara…

We’re rather spoilt for political stories at the moment. Last week there was yet another failed coup against Gordon Brown, the NI first minister is fighting for his political life after a series of scandals, and David Cameron has discovered photoshop and is busy trying to improve his face for the campaign pictures.

But I would like to draw your attention to a little story in the Evening Standard – “Jobless could lose benefits if they refuse drugs test”.

It seems a pilot scheme is being launched in which suspected drug users will be forced into a drug “assessment” if they wish to claim their benefits. I suspect this will garner a large amount of support from the tabloids, but this policy presents a grave breach of a persons right to privacy.

Without due cause, a person should be free from suspicion, and if a person is suspected of a crime then it is up to the justice system to determine their guilt. The benefit system should not be used to blackmail people into proving their innocence to a body who are not a part of the justice system.

Unemployment benefit is a system that we all pay into with the assurance that the state will support us if we fall on hard times and cannot support ourselves. Under this new proposal a person who, having previously paid taxes whilst in employment, is now refused financial aid because they do not consent to taking a drug test.

For those of us who will always refuse a test of this kind on principal, perhaps we could be exempt from tax as the benefit system no longer applies to us?

We’re not the same, I’m a liberal, you’re a sick asshole

David Cameron, in a move to poach Liberal Democrat votes, has appealed to the more gullible ranks amongst the liberal supporters. In a speech designed to strengthen the Tory lead by siphoning off Lib Dems, Cameron claimed there was “a lot less disagreement than there used to be” between the two parties.

Essentially what Cameron was saying was, “We’re not so different, you and I. In fact we’re so similar you might as well vote Conservative just to make sure those pesky socialists lose the next election. Then we can all settle down in a hot-tub together. It’ll be lovely.”

Quick off the mark so not to be seen as someone with the lurgey, Nick Clegg made a speech distancing himself from Cameron’s remarks. Turns out Liberals don’t like being compared to Tories one bit. It was all somehow reminiscent of a certain scene from Falling Down….

The Queen’s Gone Mad!

Today the Queen described a magical world where parliament is able to pass ten bills in seven months. Totally crazy of course, given that the conservatives and lib dems could defeat any bill that hit the lords, but hey, she’s an old gal, and just because she’s gibbering inanely, doesn’t mean we should be rude and point it out to her, does it?

Of course not! It’s not her fault at all – Gawd Bless her! – it’s those Labour rotters making her read out their pre-election manifesto, a last ditch attempt to sell their thousands of third class tickets for the labour-titanic fourth-term voyage. Election time is only seven months away (at the most!) and so far no-one’s buying.

The proposals include support for the most impoverished elderly, giving more powers to Ofcom and rather hilariously, a law promising to cut the deficit in half. How silly is that? Actually creating a law to guarantee they do the job they should just be doing! It’s the equivalent of Arnold J Rimmer spending all his pre-exam time working on the revision timetable.

This nonsense was noted by Nick “please don’t look at me lest you learn just how dull I actually am” Clegg who called it “fantasy politics” and called for the government to spend the rest of their term reforming our electoral system. Now that really is a fantasy!

David Cameron on the other hand had a confession to make. After claiming that the government had run out of “time, ideas and courage” he went on to say they were “acting like an opposition”. Damn right Davey boy, that’s precisely how our main opposition party have been behaving for years.

The election seems to have kicked off, and it looks like a dull depressing affair with no hope of salvation, just an inevitable slide to conservatism. It’s like an old war-criminal dying of old age, leaving his estate to a spotty slimy bigoted nephew. Or perhaps Macbeth being deposed, only to be replaced by his mad wife. Only swine-flu can save us now.