Debate 2: Domestic, The Rise Of Clegg

“I agree with Nick”

“Liberal Democrat poll surge could wipe out Labour”

“Liberal Democrats surge after Nick Clegg’s TV debate performance”

Just some of the headlines that litter the internet like shrapnel from a liberal bomb. Right now Tory and Labour strategists must be scratching their heads and muttering, “just how did they do it?”

On Wednesday things were plodding along as they had been the past month: Conservatives still held a steady lead in the polls, though they were slipping against a Labour party gaining momentum. This has been happening for some time, Brown stalking Cameron like Mike Myers in Halloween – never running, but a bringing a sense of impending inevitable doom.

And then the TV debate happened. Everyone was expecting Nick Clegg to benefit the most, he is after all so unknown that he could hardly drop in the public’s esteem. What the pundits didn’t expect was Clegg to connect with the public so fundamentally.

Lets make this clear though, he wasn’t Jesus Christ, risen again but this time armed to the teeth. He was simply a good natured liberal. What put Labour and Conservatives so far off-guard was that they had forgotten that politics is about policy. So when Clegg started suggesting inherently logical Lib Dem proposals they were utterly flummoxed and felt the tide of opinion flow from beneath their swollen feet so fast they thought an earthquake was occurring.

If anything I thought Clegg was a bit too nice. I would like to have seen Charles Kennedy there, cracking jokes and swigging from a hip flask.

Brown did well, not enough to stop people hating him, but enough to dispel a lot of the tabloid muck.

Cameron, on the other hand, was the biggest loser of the evening. It had looked like he had the perfect advantage: the public on his side, leading in the polls, positioned in the middle to look prime-ministerial. But what happened? He looked vacuous. Not experienced enough to match Brown and not young and vibrant enough to match Clegg. A non-entity. A joke.

So, round two to the Lib Dems. Rather shocking because they won the chancellors debate too. For the next one Clegg better change his game plan, because the other two are going to clusterfuck him. They will not like being made fools of and right now they are plotting and scheming their revenge. The media will go after Clegg too, because what they build up they also tear down. Good luck Cleggy-boy, you’re going to need it.

LABOUR: 2
CONSERVATIVES: 0
LIBERAL DEMOCRATS: 4

(current breakdown – Cable 2, Darling 1, Osbourne 0 & Clegg 2, Brown 1, Cameron 0)

A poll conducted by ITV after the debate had Lib Dems up 14 points to 35%. That is amazing.

It. Is. On.

Well, it’s on.

On Tuesday 6th April Gordon Brown finally called the election. I never thought the day would come, having been well versed in his cowardly nature over the course of this Labour government. I half-expected the Queen to step in, dissolving parliament and dispatching her guards to pull him out of Number 10 by the ankles. Such is this man’s love for power, and the damage done having to wait ten years, so close to the top job, but always out of grasp. A proud man, belittled by Tony Blair who had the insufferable knack of being popular despite his insanity.

So: May the 6th. Put it in your diary, tattoo it on your arm. This is going to be the most exciting election since 1992, and considering I was eight at the time, its safe to say its the most exciting election ever. Yes, the world didn’t really exist when I was too young to contemplate it. I know this. You know this. Or you would if your minds actually existed. Which they don’t. So there.

Anyway, enough Solipsism. Although I’m guessing there’s going to be a lot of it about over the next month. Gordon Brown must feel a lot like Rimmer from Red Dwarf’s “Better Than Life” – the soul creator of the world, but his own neurosis’ cause everything to fall apart. Perhaps that’s why, just when it looked like Labour was making a big come-back, a platoon of big business leaders made public their support of the Tory tax-cut proposal. The world hates Gordon, because he hates himself.

But is this big-business support for the Conservative Party really something to cause Labour heartache? The Conservative Party have always been the party of the rich, and given these business leaders are all ludicrously high earners, can we really take their word that a rise in national insurance contributions would damage the recovery? It’s like a weapons manufacturer speaking out on the importance of victory in Afghanistan. Just a tad bit of self-interest going on…

This Tory tax cut is hilarious. Not just because it isn’t a tax cut at all, its keeping it the same whilst Labour would raise it, but because they plan on financing it through cutting waste. Now think about this for a moment. No-one likes waste. No political party campaigns on a platform of increased waste. If it can be cut, it will be. If not, it won’t. A single party cannot make it a part of their campaign, that’s not politics, it’s a dispute between managers. And given that no target for cutting waste has ever been met in British politics, it’s fairly safe to assume this Tory pledge will raise our deficit rather than reduce it.

Nick Clegg, who I’ve been condemning since his election as leader of the Liberal Democrats (I would have gone for Chris Huhne who has enough pizazz to win a debate, whilst looking dull enough to win over Tory voters) managed to have a good day on PMQs. Finally he seemed to be getting wound up by the corrupt main parties and their opposition to political reform. We saw some anger. Great stuff, Clegg. Now lets see you mount a battle-wagon, touring up and down the country dressed as a phoenix promising to eviscerate your enemies with your fire breath. It can only win you votes.

Actually, Vince Cable seems so popular now that he’s pushed out at every opportunity to stand beside Non-Entity-Clegg. This will continue until the public start making the association and the magic rubs off. Don’t you get it yet? Cable – Clegg. Cable – Clegg. Cable – Clegg. Got it?

If that doesn’t work Clegg should start wearing a latex mask of Cable. In fact all Lib Dems should, a vast army of Vince Cables, marching on Westminster to sort out the economy and indulge in a bit of ballroom dancing. True, if the latex masks aren’t of a high enough quality they will look like an army of orcs, but the heart attacks caused will only help to thin the Tory vote.

Go on, order your Vince Cable mask today! I’ve ordered mine, and seeing as how I’ve created the entire world for my own amusement (being the only mind in existence) I’m sure you’ve ordered yours too. I’ll see you on election day, dressed in leather armour and clawing at the legs of wealthy bankers.

The Cable Army demand your bonuses! Flee before us!

David Cameron’s Getting More Sex Than You

David Cameron’s had sex. Yup, I know, it’s not the sort of thing you want to read about, but then neither did I and I’ve been forced to endure it all week. No not the sex, the story about how Samantha Cameron’s knocked up. Normally this wouldn’t be the business of peasants like us, but seeing as how it’s being used as a blatant piece of electioneering, I’m compelled to comment.

So yes, David Cameron has had sex. And not long ago in a bygone era, we’re talking within living memory, just a few months ago. It’s true, one day you saw him giving a speech, the next you heard him babbling inanely on the radio, and in the meantime he was getting his end away, while you, what were you doing? Eating toast and watching Come Dine With Me?

And now he’s going to get a bump in the polls (“aha”, they must cackle, “a bump for a bump!”), and its well worth the price of a bit of torn vagina nine months down the line. That very pitch is probably going on in all corners of the political spectrum, as eager politicians try to play catch up. Gordon Brown’s probably getting it on in the kitchen as we speak, It doesn’t bear thinking about. Actually, yes, go on, imagine it! Are your eyes and ears leaking blood? Good.

Probably the only one who isn’t doing the dirty right now is Nick Clegg, who no doubt propositioned his partner, only for her to turn around and ask him to remind her who he was.

Not that this is anything unusual, it has happened before, and Cameron’s not going to repeat the mistakes of the past. In 2005 Charles Kennedy’s child was born in the run-up to the election to disastrous results as he appeared zombie-like in a press conference, drooling with a soiled nappy stuck to his head. No, Cameron’s child will be born in September, not so late that he can’t announce the pregnancy now, but not so early that it actually interferes with the campaign. Brilliant!

So thanks to his well-timed fornication I’ve got to read about it. I can only assume it managed to happen because way back in Dec/Jan he was much further ahead in the polls. “Oh your personal-approval rating is sooo huuuuge” she must have cooed as his head became engorged. And I do mean his actual head, which is apt to swell whenever he is angry, excited or defensive, similar to a toad trying to scare off a rival. You can see it every week on prime ministers questions. Priceless.

Finally, something that’s baffling me is all this “Sam Cam” stuff. Is that short-hand for “Samantha Cameron” or is it some tawdry online peep show where we can watch the conception for a small donation to the Tory party? Horrible. What sort of creep thinks of stuff like this?

We’re not the same, I’m a liberal, you’re a sick asshole

David Cameron, in a move to poach Liberal Democrat votes, has appealed to the more gullible ranks amongst the liberal supporters. In a speech designed to strengthen the Tory lead by siphoning off Lib Dems, Cameron claimed there was “a lot less disagreement than there used to be” between the two parties.

Essentially what Cameron was saying was, “We’re not so different, you and I. In fact we’re so similar you might as well vote Conservative just to make sure those pesky socialists lose the next election. Then we can all settle down in a hot-tub together. It’ll be lovely.”

Quick off the mark so not to be seen as someone with the lurgey, Nick Clegg made a speech distancing himself from Cameron’s remarks. Turns out Liberals don’t like being compared to Tories one bit. It was all somehow reminiscent of a certain scene from Falling Down….

The Queen’s Gone Mad!

Today the Queen described a magical world where parliament is able to pass ten bills in seven months. Totally crazy of course, given that the conservatives and lib dems could defeat any bill that hit the lords, but hey, she’s an old gal, and just because she’s gibbering inanely, doesn’t mean we should be rude and point it out to her, does it?

Of course not! It’s not her fault at all – Gawd Bless her! – it’s those Labour rotters making her read out their pre-election manifesto, a last ditch attempt to sell their thousands of third class tickets for the labour-titanic fourth-term voyage. Election time is only seven months away (at the most!) and so far no-one’s buying.

The proposals include support for the most impoverished elderly, giving more powers to Ofcom and rather hilariously, a law promising to cut the deficit in half. How silly is that? Actually creating a law to guarantee they do the job they should just be doing! It’s the equivalent of Arnold J Rimmer spending all his pre-exam time working on the revision timetable.

This nonsense was noted by Nick “please don’t look at me lest you learn just how dull I actually am” Clegg who called it “fantasy politics” and called for the government to spend the rest of their term reforming our electoral system. Now that really is a fantasy!

David Cameron on the other hand had a confession to make. After claiming that the government had run out of “time, ideas and courage” he went on to say they were “acting like an opposition”. Damn right Davey boy, that’s precisely how our main opposition party have been behaving for years.

The election seems to have kicked off, and it looks like a dull depressing affair with no hope of salvation, just an inevitable slide to conservatism. It’s like an old war-criminal dying of old age, leaving his estate to a spotty slimy bigoted nephew. Or perhaps Macbeth being deposed, only to be replaced by his mad wife. Only swine-flu can save us now.