The Axeman Sharpens His Tools

Oh God. How do they manage it? Why can’t the Lib Dems just hold themselves together? It seems every day there is a new scandal with them doing something stupid, and today is no different.

This morning, The Telegraph revealed a conversation their reporters had with Vince Cable whilst posing as disgruntled constituents. Whilst the revealed comments were embarrassing, it was the sort of minor misstep that would be forgotten in a few hours.

Unfortunately, just as Clegg and Cameron had finished mopping up the first mess, a second revelation broke on the BBC. It turns out the Telegraph decided not to publish remarks made by Cable about the Murdoch bid to take-over of BSkyB in which Cable claimed that he’d “declared war on Murdoch” and it was a war he expected to win.

Now, any rational human being will be able to see just how toxic Murdoch has been to democracy around the world, yet in the crazy world of business and politics, this apparently makes Cable’s position untenable. Right now the government is scrabbling to provide a response, no doubt everyone lining up to smack Vince around the face out of frustration.

The big question is what will happen to the Coalition if Cable has to leave? Is there any Lib Dem talent left? Is this a deliberate attempt by Cable to commit political suicide?

Rather amusingly, The Telegraph is against Murdoch taking over BSkyB, so they now look like they’re picking and choosing what they release based upon commercial interest. So well done Telegraph, you’ve managed to smear shit on everyone apart from Murdoch, the only person who deserves it.

It. Is. On.

Well, it’s on.

On Tuesday 6th April Gordon Brown finally called the election. I never thought the day would come, having been well versed in his cowardly nature over the course of this Labour government. I half-expected the Queen to step in, dissolving parliament and dispatching her guards to pull him out of Number 10 by the ankles. Such is this man’s love for power, and the damage done having to wait ten years, so close to the top job, but always out of grasp. A proud man, belittled by Tony Blair who had the insufferable knack of being popular despite his insanity.

So: May the 6th. Put it in your diary, tattoo it on your arm. This is going to be the most exciting election since 1992, and considering I was eight at the time, its safe to say its the most exciting election ever. Yes, the world didn’t really exist when I was too young to contemplate it. I know this. You know this. Or you would if your minds actually existed. Which they don’t. So there.

Anyway, enough Solipsism. Although I’m guessing there’s going to be a lot of it about over the next month. Gordon Brown must feel a lot like Rimmer from Red Dwarf’s “Better Than Life” – the soul creator of the world, but his own neurosis’ cause everything to fall apart. Perhaps that’s why, just when it looked like Labour was making a big come-back, a platoon of big business leaders made public their support of the Tory tax-cut proposal. The world hates Gordon, because he hates himself.

But is this big-business support for the Conservative Party really something to cause Labour heartache? The Conservative Party have always been the party of the rich, and given these business leaders are all ludicrously high earners, can we really take their word that a rise in national insurance contributions would damage the recovery? It’s like a weapons manufacturer speaking out on the importance of victory in Afghanistan. Just a tad bit of self-interest going on…

This Tory tax cut is hilarious. Not just because it isn’t a tax cut at all, its keeping it the same whilst Labour would raise it, but because they plan on financing it through cutting waste. Now think about this for a moment. No-one likes waste. No political party campaigns on a platform of increased waste. If it can be cut, it will be. If not, it won’t. A single party cannot make it a part of their campaign, that’s not politics, it’s a dispute between managers. And given that no target for cutting waste has ever been met in British politics, it’s fairly safe to assume this Tory pledge will raise our deficit rather than reduce it.

Nick Clegg, who I’ve been condemning since his election as leader of the Liberal Democrats (I would have gone for Chris Huhne who has enough pizazz to win a debate, whilst looking dull enough to win over Tory voters) managed to have a good day on PMQs. Finally he seemed to be getting wound up by the corrupt main parties and their opposition to political reform. We saw some anger. Great stuff, Clegg. Now lets see you mount a battle-wagon, touring up and down the country dressed as a phoenix promising to eviscerate your enemies with your fire breath. It can only win you votes.

Actually, Vince Cable seems so popular now that he’s pushed out at every opportunity to stand beside Non-Entity-Clegg. This will continue until the public start making the association and the magic rubs off. Don’t you get it yet? Cable – Clegg. Cable – Clegg. Cable – Clegg. Got it?

If that doesn’t work Clegg should start wearing a latex mask of Cable. In fact all Lib Dems should, a vast army of Vince Cables, marching on Westminster to sort out the economy and indulge in a bit of ballroom dancing. True, if the latex masks aren’t of a high enough quality they will look like an army of orcs, but the heart attacks caused will only help to thin the Tory vote.

Go on, order your Vince Cable mask today! I’ve ordered mine, and seeing as how I’ve created the entire world for my own amusement (being the only mind in existence) I’m sure you’ve ordered yours too. I’ll see you on election day, dressed in leather armour and clawing at the legs of wealthy bankers.

The Cable Army demand your bonuses! Flee before us!

Debate 1: Economics, Cable Takes It!

If you didn’t tune into Channel 4 this evening, then you missed a truly thrilling televised debate. True, the audience at this debate were yawning, looking at their shoes and scratching their arses, but it was thrilling, damnit!

The event was of course the Chancellors debate, with Chancellor Alistair Darling, George Osborne and Vince Cable battling it out over the economy. Perhaps it was because they weren’t party leaders that they had the freedom to actually discuss issues of worth, but it was the best piece of politics we’ve had in ages.

As many predicted, the Liberal Democrat’s lethal weapon, Vince Cable came out best, putting the others to shame. However, the debate benefited the others too, as Darling came across measured and thoughtful. Even George Osborne showed himself in a better light, though he was clearly held back by confused Tory policies. Time and time again he would say something that you could tell he internally disagreed with and this led to his answers seeming muddled, pulled too far in every direction with Cameron’s obsession with good headlines.

Great stuff, highlights include: Vince Cable refusing to ringfence the NHS budget but saying that he would prioritise mental health as it’s already woefully underfunded, and Darling cracking a gag about cross-party cooperation when accused of stealing a tory policy.

Looking forward to the leaders debates which’ll be far more bloody, but far less informative.